A Letter To My Brother

October 3, 2013

Dear Jake,

When I heard that you were going away for a week, spending that time in the wilderness with classmates, to learn about science and nature – I wondered if you were worried that you weren’t going to be having any fun; it’s quite the opposite, buddy. You can absolutely have fun! The only thing that you need to do is make sure that you follow the Class Trip Wilderness Sleepover Rules. It’s very important for the safety and well-being of you and your friends that you follow these 15 policies implemented last year by the President of our United States.

Pay attention, because each one of these rules is very, very important:

  • Do NOT challenge wild raccoons to a wrestling match. You will lose.
  • Do NOT cover your private parts in bologna and ask kids if they want to see your Oscar Meyer wiener.
  • Do NOT give any of the girls on the trip a buzz cut while they are sleeping.
  • Do NOT bet any child $600 that you can catch a fish using only your teeth.
  • Do NOT tie your entire class’ socks together and use it as a stinky jump rope.
  • Do NOT pee in any lakes, rivers, streams, or ponds because you personally believe that they’re “God’s Toilets”.
  • Do NOT draw pictures of butts in the dirt with the sharp end of a stick.
  • Do NOT cover a squirrel in salad dressing and hide it in a kid’s sleeping bag.
  • Do NOT tell the dumb kid in class that a beehive is actually a piñata full of dreams and anyone who breaks it open gets three wishes.
  • Do NOT swing naked from the trees shouting, “I am the chosen one!”
  • Do NOT finger paint swear words onto your teacher’s car for fun. Only finger paint swear words onto your teacher’s car to teach them a lesson – that lesson being: Do NOT give Jake Staples finger paint.
  • Do NOT threaten to scissor kick or rabbit punch any child that won’t sing backup vocals for your new Pokémon tribute band.
  • Do NOT fill balloons with farts and tie them to the kids that you don’t like.
  • Do NOT trade underwear with any other boys. That’s how you get a rash.
  • Do NOT wander away from the group and attempt to become a wilderness man – living off the land, sleeping under the stars, and building a hut out of bear poop.

If you’re careful and follow all of these rules, I’m certain that you’ll have a fantastic trip. We’ll miss you, buddy. Don’t cause too much trouble.

Lots of love,

Big Brother Extraordinaire
Supreme Chancellor of Silly Giggles

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